Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in Cosmic_Bard's LiveJournal:

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011
10:16 am	All moved in. So, the both of them have moved out and are now settling into their nice, cozy apartment. It's really a lovely building with friendly staff, huge laundry room and it's very close to tons of amenities.  I'm jealous in more ways than one, really. The move went as good as I've ever seen one go.  We did everything early, had no snags at all and it was done cheaply and quickly.  I was glad to be a part of that smooth operation. It was great to see Jess again.  It had been a long time since we'd spoken face to face and I was glad to have lots of time to chat as we had lunch.  I felt very fulfilled.  Regardless of her position in my life, she always means a lot to me and when I'm in touch with her, I feel good.  Of course the next day, I felt a little sad, but I'm much happier than sad because I'm so relieved to see them both away from Jon's place, it can't have felt very good to live in the basement there, under his and Nick's thumb. Having just moved recently myself, I know they'll have a blast decorating and reorganizing and unpacking everything and making that box in the sky into a home. Current Mood: for once. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 17th, 2011
2:10 pm	This is getting tense. I have a billion things to say but can't say them. I'm trapped in the construct I've made for myself. I don't exactly know where to step to from here. The time for advice is done, I don't need other peoples' opinions for this anymore. I guess I know what I have to do, I really always have, but timing and delivery are so crucial, so key. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2011
7:36 pm	Cosmic Bard - A poem Born of stars and sky and space A man travels the universe Is he coming?  Is he going? Even he doesn't know Magnificent sights and dreams Painted over the entire cosmos Just a twinkle in his eye Just a dream in his heart Images so tantalizing and beautiful A maelstrom of dreams and beauty A child born of this vivid universe Of it, but never for it "O, lament this fateful day my dreams surround me and they are but illusions" "I have been a cosmic bard with my head in the clouds when the things that really mattered were down on planet Earth." Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 8th, 2011
10:54 am	Not much to say. It seems that emotions have really leveled off a lot in the last week or two and so I've really not had a lot of things to post on here about, as I've rounded most of the bases in some rather lengthy posts. Slow and steady progress is being made now and I'm hopeful for the future. I'm talking to everybody again and having those dialogs open is very important to me and relieves me greatly. I find that at this stage, I'm still experiencing changes in myself.   I like new things, dislike other things, find small pieces of myself still doing things I don't like and fixing it.  It feels good. I'm pretty lonely around here, though. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I suppose. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2011
5:01 pm	Summer's End - A poem Feeling very down today.  Let's try a creative writing exercise to help. Endless summer comes to an end Dazzling rays of light, crisp winds and nature full of verdancy trail off The symbol of life at its peak on this planet cycles Cycles to its inevitable conclusion as it will do We lose ourselves in revelry of the sun Summer brings promise of fun, of freedom and of happiness Our existence seems to peak It seems to want to last forever but is in fact just a phase How sad, to see brightness replaced with grey To see greens so lush replaced with browns so dead To hear the Earth itself groan with displeasure as it readies for months of cold This part of the world is about to slumber and to awaken many months from now, anew I feel as the summer  Despair looms and the pain and solitude of winter is upon me Is this an inevitable change for my own life, too? Am I as the planet, not truly hurt, but in a cycle of change? Will I ever be the summer again as I once was? Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 24th, 2011
5:47 pm	Eyes still open. Through all the turmoil, it's difficult to focus on the positives of the moment, but it's fair to give time to them on here because they are myriad. My perspective has changed on so many topics, I wouldn't know where to start explaining.  My ego is being carved anew, it seems and it is frankly dizzying.  I'm almost afraid to commit to certain things because my perspective keeps shifting, even on a day by day basis. In modern western society, we lack the sort of rites of passage that previous generations have enjoyed, to mark their transition to manhood (or womanhood, I suppose) and to indicate the commencement of taking responsability for one's own actions.  My father died when I was very young and we were never very close.  I had few if any responsabilities around the house growing up and learning the intrinsic value of hard work and self-improvement was never a priority.  I have taken steps throughout my life to better understand and embrace these concepts, but didn't know where or how to start. The first leap into this field is a huge one.  The rite of passage served to mark this occasion and to give the transition significance.  So you can remind yourself "I've been through the ceremony, I am a man now.  I have to take charge of my life from now on." I wasn't so lucky, as I was forced and shocked into it, however I've no qualms about the personal result.  It's almost a boon rather than bane, it accelerated the process for somebody who sorely needed it accelerated. Once, I had no future.  Now, the future is open, Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, September 23rd, 2011
7:13 pm	Yin-yang Most of my focus in the last month has been about her love for me and its status.  It seems that now, my problem is that through all my pining, I've neglected to think about how I feel and I've come to realize that I miss being loved as much as a miss being able to show my love. It should seem obvious that I would miss somebody who is so important to me, but apparently I never truly felt the pangs of the distance until just recently. Obviously I miss her greatly, but a more latent instinct for the desire for female companionship has gone neglected for a month thusfar and it leaves me feeling very empty now that I've had a chance to think about it. Not in a sexual way, or even related to any desire of physical contact, I miss having a girl who is there for me in all things.  It turns out that she was too 'there for me' in the past, but nonetheless, I really miss that sort of contact.  To know somebody will be coming home or will be home when I get there.  Somebody to talk about anything with. Like I need more problems. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2011
10:30 pm	One month anniversary. So, it's been over a month now. I feel mostly the same as I did back then.  I mean, I'm very different in a lot of ways, but the essence of how I felt then still remains strong. My opinion on how to go about things has changed, though.  I no longer feel like I am trying to save a sinking ship, but rather gathering the tools to build a new one. However, it's a daunting task.  I'm no longer spurred forth by a disaster, but rather I'm now carrying on by my own purpose.  It's been hard working with such a narrow focus for an entire month.  My brain is exhausted and my spirit is weary.  But I do not falter. My fingers are such an interesting thing to me, now.  Before, they were the go to place for nervous fiddling.  Now I literally can't even concieve of biting a nail or chewing a finger.  I've tried, believe me, it just feels wrong now.  I'm shocked and saddened how easy things like this were to fix like the flip of a switch.  Or a kick in the ass, as this case would have it. My thoughts are more nebulous these days, I've said almost all that needs to be said lately to myself and to others.  Dialog lines are open for me now, too, but I don't know what to say or where to start.   I don't even really want to say anything at all, in the spirit of maintaining this respectful distance. It used to be so easy to talk to you. Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 17th, 2011
10:45 am	Walls. So, I'm finally able to speak to her on MSN again.  She's doing well, but offers no help in trying to speak to Eva.  Everybody seems resigned to believing there's nothing they can do to speak to him and that his opinions are his own.  I'm all for respecting that.  I'm not asking anybody to interdict and try to convince him of my good intentions and new direction on my behalf, I just want to be able to do that myself. She's broken her wall of silence finally, and I hope this might spur him on to follow suit.  I've never had a friend in this position before where I've been rejected by somebody because of the opinions of another.  I feel very far removed and it is frustrating. As far as Jess goes, it was great to speak to her again and she seemed friendly, but it felt like a fairly empty exchange.  As usual, I have a shit ton to say about my feelings, my opinions and my hopes.  All I get from her is "Things have finally started to slow down a bit." I could write ten books on this experience but it doesn't seem to resonate with her at all in the context of our conversation.  "I feel better now that you're on your own."  "I can breathe a little easier now without you around."  "Things are now coming into perspective now that we've spent some time apart."  Anything would be nice, just some expression of what's going on.  This has been the problem all along, it seems to me as though she either is unwilling to tell me what's really going on in her mind or she's unable.  Screaming vitriol is something I can handle, but this sort of exchange only perplexes me.  Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Friday, September 16th, 2011
7:23 pm	Will vs spirit. Things are definitely changing for me.  I no longer view this as a purely emotional struggle, but rather a logical one, once more.  I have cried all that I wish to and now instead of continuing to make sweeping gestures to prove myself,I will simply sit. And wait as the changes I've made continue, like somebody sailing down a river without a paddle. I'm no longer just sad at this outcome. I am several things including frustrated, lost and lonely. I'd always thought that will and spirit were two things intertwined, but as I continue on my path, I notice my will still unwavering but my spirit starting to sink.   The spirit needs fuel from outside sources whereas my will is as strong or as flimsy as I'm able to make it. What does this mean?   It means I still will not waver, but the refrain of self-betterment is beginning to get tiresome.  I suppose it's a matter of drawing a line between becoming a better person and actually living the life of a person improved.  Learning is a lifelong experience and I suspect there will be more to learn about myself even after I die. So, where do I draw the line where I'm concerned? When am I good enough? Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
5:58 pm	A zombie with emotions. That's how I felt today.  I left work early and took a paid stress day.  :/ Unduly snapped at a co-worker asking me how I was.  I told her I was getting tired of answering "Horrible" or "Terrible" or some other dramatic yet accurate description of my day to day attitude and I'm almost sure she took offense. And why shouldn't she?  Just asking me how I'm doing, possibly checking up on me in these hard times and I shoot her down.  What a nice guy I am!  It really isn't my fault, I'd have loved to be pleasant and friendly with her, but circumstances just don't seem to allow. I'm feeling more and more lost everyday.  I hold onto my goals with a deathgrip and refuse to let go and I'm changing everyday but I still feel like I am losing ground and fast.  I need input. The only good part about today was a brief period of self-examination.  I stared at my visage in the mirror in a changeroom at work today.  A gloomy face, no real joy there, but clean and personable.  Clean, organized, doing everything he can.  Doing things for himself to make himself better.  Revaluating his entire life.  These things make me smile.  Like I finally have the reins of my life after all this time.  But it is a stark contrast to what I have lost and who I have hurt. My quickly morphing professional image combined with the sense of purpose, duty and honor I want to reclaim from people I've harmed would make me unstoppable, this I am almost perfectly aware of.  There would be nothing I couldn't do and this inspires me to go on. I could tell the lottery to get fucked for all its millions of dollars if I had this.  I could throw out my most prized posessions if I had this.  I could die happy if I had this. Current Mood: stressed (4 Comments |Comment on this)
10:50 am	Dreams. I never used to dream very frequently.  In recent weeks, I've been experiencing a sharp increase in the amount of them I've been having and they are disturbing to say the least. Fleeting images of what I used to be, forecasts of hopelessness for the future and themes of sadness and despair haunt my nights and mornings.  It seems the burning desire to do right by one's past comes with a certain price of confronting one's self in his dreams.  How cruel this seems.  Endless replays of events I lament,  doomsday scenarios, my position postured as never being good enough. Another hurdle to jump over.   Another line to cross.  Another milestone to pass.  It keeps getting harder, not easier, because of what I hold onto in my heart.  I tell myself and truly believe that I can withstand anything in the name of the goals I pursue, but this is surely brutal. I know what I did to deserve this, I don't cry foul or decry the situation as unfair because I put myself here.  The constant fight to recover is the most mentally taxing thing I know that I will ever do in this life and the notion is staggering. I have to make this count.  Despite everything.  I have to keep holding on. Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2011
5:05 pm	One more person I've hurt. I neglected to mention another person harmed by past problems.  Myself. I love Jess more than anything and how do I show it to her?  I live a lazy, uninspired life with her, don't do my share of the work, don't pony up enough rent and allow my problems to paralyze me.  I go along with each day, blissfully unaware and yet aware at some level that I'm creating a rift. Then, in an instant, it all becomes horrifyingly clear.  How the fuck could I have done this?  It felt like what little meaning I did have in my world left me but worse still, I knew exactly what it was that I did, or rather didn't do. The shock treatment happens and like an icy splash of water and  I can do things now with an ease that I'd never had before, to my amazement.  My anxiety is dashed away in my own personal desire to be a better person.  It's as simple as plowing through my social hangups and going onwards because I can no longer do any less.  The bubble that encapsulated me had popped. And the true horror sets in.  I have the answers.  I know how I was supposed to be living.  I know what I need to do to live that way now.  But I had already done damage to us!  I couldn't backpedal fast enough in a single week to undo what I'd done and I knew this, but I was going to try my best, anyhow.  Now the situation is different.  There's nobody to impress here but myself.  You're not watching over my shoulder.  It's hard without you, but I will press on in spite of this.  I don't like being this distant from you and the guys, but if it has to be this way for awhile, then I'll tough that out as well. We shouldn't be together until I can prove to myself that I can make this attitude stick so that I might never live like I had been, again. I will show myself and through that, show you and the whole world. I finally believe in myself, but I need all of you to believe in me as well. Please don't define me by the mistakes I've made.  Define me by the potential I have for the future. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
11:00 am	So many people I've hurt. Everyday I manage to think of a new way that I've hurt people in the past with my avoidance and irresponsability. It is so sickenning and maddenning to think I was this way for so long!  How could I have been so blind?  How could I have been such an unrelenting asshole?   I knew better than this.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, pushed to the back of my mind.  But it was there.  It tortured me in an indescribable way and now that I've come to terms with it and how to deal with it, it tortures me even further in the repercussions of what I've done. Mom.  I've avoided talking to you so much.  I don't know why!  I love you so much!  I can't begin to tally the ways you've supported me and helped me grow.  Our lack of correspondance stops the moment you return from Europe.  I can't bear to have this rift between us any longer, even though you've been very generous about giving me my space.  Seeing you and talking to you is never a chore, I have no idea why I avoided it so.  I know that at least you can forgive me as you always have.  And maybe even help me on my path. Michele.  We've never seen eye to eye, but the revelation with you is very potent.  You tried ceaselessly to motivate me as a child and as a young adult.  I didn't understand your desire to make me into a respectable person.  I saw your efforts as intrusive and unnecessary.  I was very wrong about that.  Almost ten years later now, I'd wished I'd heeded at least some of your advice.  You've done even more for me since then, taking me into your home for a few months while I tried to sort my life out..  Those months were very tough on me and I was quite alone.  You made me feel like a part of your immediate family and that was helpful.  I'll never forget that generosity in my time of need and I can't thank you enough.  I want things between us to be different from now on.  You and mom are the only real family I have and I'm stricken by how important you both really are to me and by how much I must have confused you and let you down with how I've lived my life.  Please accept my forgiveness.  I hope we can move forward. Jess' immediate family.  They've had to endure watching me cause problems for her from a distance, seeing her get upset and frustrated with me and feeling powerless to do anything to help.  It goes without saying that I shouldn't have put her or them in that position and I don't blame any of them for advising her to leave me.  Jane, I'm sorry for not being closer to you.  Your daughter means the world to me and by that, so should you.  Emily, I'm sorry for not getting to know you better or giving you the chance to get to know me better. And Nick, you actually had to live with me and my issues, so I'm sorry on a much more personal level.  I find I related to you best of all and so I'm especially sorry to have disappointed and upset you.  I'm going to tell all of you in person one day. Tenebrus.  I made Jess so upset one day that you came to see me at work, gave me my keys and drove off without a word.  You were so angry with me but had no real way to express it.  I'm haunted by that moment.  I did nothing to correct it.  I went on as if it didn't happen.  How could I do that to somebody we both love?    It makes me nauseous to even think about, but I must.  I hope you can forgive me, one day.  I never meant to hurt anyone but through neglect and avoidance, I did.  And I hate the me from back then for it.  I will strive to never be that person again.  I only hope that you believe that I can do it.  Your faith in my ability would mean a tremendous amount. Eva.  I've really already said what I need to say to you.  I guess you're the type who is more swayed by actions, than with clever speeches and heartfelt writings.  You should know that with each day that passes, I grow into this new persona a little more.  I know you're the sort of man whose trust isn't earned easily and so I'll just have to work that much harder to secure it, because it means a lot to me.  I used to have a roomate that lived with us.  His name was Kat.  He had a few of the same bad habits I'm getting over, but what he was to me was a true friend who shared my interests and was like a brother to me.  I'm sad that things have gone the way they have and that you feel the way you do about me because I saw much of that relationship in things the two of us shared, at times.  I'd welcome your friendship again once you feel I've earned the chance. Jess.  It goes without saying, but I've let you down most of all.  I don't need to tell you what I did, you lived it.  I've damaged relations between the two of us on a deeper level than on the surface and such damage will take time to heal.  All I can do is take this one day at a time, but I know that through determination, I will make it up to you.  To all of you. Current Mood: melancholy (Comment on this)
Monday, September 5th, 2011
9:32 pm	Anxiety begets anxiety. I was thinking about this a few days ago and decided to write it down.  I discovered something interesting about anxiety, or at least my own anxiety. Anxiety compounds.  Anxious situations that I let myself get in or on the other hand avoid, in turn make me more nervous, which spawns more nervous situations, etc.  If I plow right through the wall of fear that prevents me from taking the first step (which, is the only really scary step for somebody with anxiety) then the rest falls apart and there's nothing to fear anymore. For example. when pressed to find a new home, normally I'd have fretted calling up strangers on the phone to find a place to live, but I did it.  After the first one, the rest were easy and because of my dilligence I was able to secure a place in short order. I was always apprehensive of talking to management at work since I have a fear of authority, but speaking to them in a frank and direct manner without considering their position too much, makes all the difference.  Now I can ask for more hours without feeling I'm bothering them or being intimidated by them.  I can touch base often and ask the important questions I need to. And for all this, I feel a wave of relaxation come over me as I breeze through these normally stressful encounters and it dawns on me that it really is facing your fears that puts them to rest. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
6:35 pm	A day at a time. Such a gloomy day out.  Cold, too.  Not too much unlike the way I feel. I have to say I'm glad I'm now working overtime hours at the store.  I really don't like sitting around here, it's quite boring and dull with nothing to do.  Everything is put away, everything is clean and everything is where it should be.  I told management at work to give me as many hours as were possible.  Even my days off are now on call shifts, ensuring the biggest paycheques I've ever had in that place in the months to come, in addition to my vacation pay which is still paying out and the coming HST rebate cheque, in a few weeks. How lazy this makes me feel about myself in the past, not having done this before.  It's disgusting, really. What is all the money for anyhow, you might ask?  I can't say.  It's something of a barometer for my personal success more that it is something that I actually need.  But I've no doubt it will be used for something special.  They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy security, which is where happiness blooms.  And I certainly can't complain about being given something to do; the days are so long when I'm not occupied. I hope the weather improves. Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 4th, 2011
7:10 pm	Resolve. It seems I'm at something of a crossroads. If I say to myself "I can absolutely get her back if I try hard enough." the thought fills me with vigor and determination.  However, this is not a fact.  To embrace such a statement could damage me greatly with an unfavorable outcome.  Similarly, "There's no way to reconcile." is also unacceptable at face value for more reasons than I could list. It seems that "I will do whatever it takes to be a better me and through that, try my best to win her heart and her trust back." is the best I can hope to hold as a goal in terms of reconciliation.  I can't envision a scenario where I don't have the proper chance to remedy what I've done to the people that mattered the most to me.   If I were to do so, I'd lose a significant portion my desire for self-betterment that I've recently acquired, as it is fuelled by a desire to put things right in the eyes of the people I've hurt. She presumably seeks for me to spend time without her to discover what I need to do in order to be a better person.  But I already know what must be done and I am resolved beyond all to do it.  Now, it simply must be done.  But how long must I go on alone?  I need to give her all the space she desires, but I fear that on my own I won't know when I have matured enough for her. Sometimes I wonder if she could ever trust me again, but moreso, I wonder how she could not.  To me, she is still part of my family.  An indellible mark has been left on me by her and I wholeheartedly desire it to be a mark of honor and not a disfiguring scar.  I know she must care for me.  Shortly before we parted, I saw unmistakable love for me.  Even if that has weakenned, I am resolved to stoke the fires of our love with the winds of my devotion and determination. Not for one moment will I complain that my new life is too hard.  Nor will I blame my problems on anyone but myself. If I falter, I will recover.  If I fall, I will stand up twice as tall.  I will not and cannot give into my demons. I am forged anew in the flames of my past failures and I hope to be a better person for it.  I can say so much about myself now that I once could not.  I am proud of myself and who I am, with the exception of problems still not solved.  I can actually look in the mirror and not turn away, for fear of staring into the face of wasted potential and an unfocused life. I finally have a dream.   I've never had any dream to chase as clear as this one.  My life has been bereft of long-term goals and to have direction in my life is indescribably satisfying. It may be a fleeting dream, but I still want the four of us to live an idyllic life together in a home that we share equally as a family.  I know I have it in me to achieve this and more still. I still think that I can one day deserve a final shot and I will fight to be a better person so that I really do deserve it. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
9:07 am	Full circle. It's sort of interesting that the time I chose to start up this thing again would be a time of emotional upheaval again. But when I look at the below post, I see a bitter, defeated man who isn't able to trace back his mistakes to himself. 'Circumstances beyond my control' indeed.  They were always in my control, but I threw that to the wind when I quit that one job in the restaurant without a back up plan.   And so now here I am. Circumstances are much better financially than the last time.  I'm employed and they're willing to give me ridiculous hours, I have a very cheap apartment which will facilitate the saving of lots of money quickly and I have some local friends. These things do not fill the glaring hole in my life, but they will aid me in my journey of self improvement so that I might fix the mistakes that I've made.  More importantly, I'm more than optimistic, I'm confident for the future.   I know I can remedy the errors of the past and show everybody I'm not only mature, but honorable and respectable.  I will do right by the people I care about no matter what the cost. It really is just so simple.  No shortcuts, no whining, no excuses.   It's time to be the man that I was never taught to be by my father. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Friday, January 30th, 2009
3:27 pm	Operation: Get the Fuck out of Dodge. So, it's come to pass that through circumstances beyond my immediate control that I am in a predicament where I am left jobless, broke and homeless. I'm currently living with my sister in Georgetown and have been for a few days already.   I've moved what possessions I cared to take with me into her home and will be staying here for a while. How long a while it will be is all up to how quickly I can get a job and secure enough cash to safely move out, either to another residence in Georgetown or to a new residence and new job in another city. Currently my best option so far is the Real Canadian Superstore in 'downtown' Georgetown at the intersection of Mountainview and Guelph (HWY 7).  I've gone for an interview and I was told that there should be no reason I wouldn't be offered a job there.   The earliest callback time was to be today, but it seems that I may have to wait until at least Monday for any information pertaining to starting orientation, training and then my position.  From where I live, it's about a 45 minute walk or ten minute drive, so it's fairly close at least; though the positive elements pretty much end there.   It's a minimum wage position (8.75, to be 9.50 at the end of March) likely in the hot food department.  With my restaurant experience, it should be a breeze to handle most of the foodservice elements of the position, but I will have to be speaking to customers and this irks me since I'm not used to jobs in the public sector, though I do have retail experience.  All the floor positions in the store are part time, so it seems like twenty-eight hours a week would be my maximum allotment of hours, aside from shifts I pick up from others, which I would hope will be a frequent occurance.  Pending any problems, the position should net me roughly $1000 a month, which is a good enough start to begin saving for a new life... away from here.  The goal is to keep expenses to a very bare minimum and whilst not paying rent at my sister's, I think I can turn what would normally be a poorly paying position into a method for saving up cash in a timely manner. I've put out applications and resumes accross town in several locations but this one seems to be the most promising, with the quickest callback.   I've not yet put in a resume at the very local (five minute walk or so) EBGames in a small strip mall and I've decided that it would be the optimal place for me to be working, at the very least in contrast to the grocery store.  It would pay better, would be closer, would be slower and would deal with products I have extensive knowledge in dealing with.  I also have experience in working for a game store so I hope it will tilt the scales in my favor while applying there... if they even have any positions open for me.  I'm sure they're as sick of dealing with local teenage labor as everyone else is in this town. Personally, this situation has hit me very hard.   I'm upset for a significant portion of the day since my lifestyle has changed dramatically.   There's nothing to do around here, it's a frozen hell outside, what few friends I have aren't anywhere near here, wouldn't be willing to come see me and I sure can't afford to travel to see them.   Even if I could, I would have to weigh the option of saving money to leave versus spending precious resources for a small day trip.   It just doesn't seem worth it when I want to accelerate the process as much as possible.  This is a pretty low point for me, but if anyone has anything or any cash they feel they can donate to my cause of getting back on my feet, I'd be eternally grateful for any such push I could get.   I'm quite miserable around here and need to get out of here as fast as possible.  My Paypal account is linked to cosmic_bard@hotmail.com if anyone wishes to send anything.  Nothing will be refused. I'll be updating this journal on a daily basis with my cash totals, my progress on getting a job or progress with my job and any other significant events I can think of. If anyone can think of any other way to help or would like to talk to me, I'd greatly appreciate any and all contact.   Spead the word if you feel like it. Job Progress:  Awaiting callback, awaiting corrected resume printout so I can apply at EB and the 7-11. Cash on Hand:  Less than 20$ Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)